♥ Half-way through the journey ♥

Alhamdulillah.. proposal already submitted. Now waiting for the proposal defense date. Half way through the journey and deep inside I can't wait to finish it! Just can't describe the struggling moment.. the mind tortures, it's killing me. But there's a saying goes.. that does not kill you makes you stronger. 

Right after I submit the hard copies to the postgraduate admin, I burst into tears when suddenly someone asked me

"Nad, ok ke? Anak-anak macamane? Study ok?"

Everything's Ok. I thought. Sometimes not. Hmm. I literally ignored husband and the kids while focusing on my work. Eventhough husband faham, help me taking care of the kids. I felt guilty. Deep inside.

I didn't cook. I didn't do the laundry. I didn't eat. I didn't care what they eat. I didn't watch their eyes while they breasfeeding because I am focusing on something. I did't laugh when husband shared jokes because I was thinking about something critical. I did't look at Delisha's face when she was excited telling me what she learn and play at Achiks' house. I said 'Nanti." when they want something from me.

I didn't pay attention to almost everything. I just don't bother.

But this someone told me something that really touches my heart,

"Sibuk macammana pun jangan lupa layan suami, layan anak-anak.. Kalau kita nak kena masak, masak je. Jangan fikir kita rugi masa untuk study hanya kerana kita dah spend masa untuk masak atau buat kerja rumah. Kalau suami suka, mesti Allah suka. kalau penat, jangan mengadu dengan suami. Mengadu dengan Allah. Suami kata faham, tapi lama-lama nanti die berasa hati juga kalau kita tak layan..sebab die suami.. Akak faham, itulah yang akak lalui masa buat Phd dulu.."

Allah sedihnya rasa.

I  broke into tears. I cried. I hug her. Allah, sedapnya rasa memeluk seseorang di saat-saat we really need a shoulder to cry on. 

Allah sent her to remind me. 

Sabar ye anak-anak mama. Mama struggle siapkan Phd mama cepat-cepat. Sikit je lagi. Bagi mama masa. Lepas ni Mama kena outstation collect data. Sabar, sabar, sabar. Mama sayang semua. Mama buat ni untuk kita semua. 

Ingatkan hati, ingat. I am a mom. I am a wife.