:: adventurous journey ::

Being a mama and raising a thesis is so...? Hmm.. challenging, stressful, adventurous, and it is indeed, a realistic journey. Read HANNAH JOHARY's blog, sharing her own experience. 

To me, the journey is lonely..but I know I am not alone. 

I am very thankful because I can share my research content with my husband and he is willing to be a good listener, sometimes he also provide me with new insights, change the way I see things. Becoming a social scientist is not easy. But my engineer husband, came from hard science background, is being my backbone all the way.  If I can make him understand what I am doing, what I write in my thesis.. then I should be OK. Hehe. At least. Phewsss. I drag and beg him to read my proposal *wink*. He always criticize my writing. Pedasnyerrrr. Tahan je la telinga. At least confident sikit bila nak bagi supervisor baca. Believe me, kalaulah 10 kali baca tesis sendiri, lebih kurang 10 kali jugaklah edit semula perenggan dan ayat. Ohhh my. My academic writing skills are killing me. 

 Lunch and spending time reading journal articles @ PizzaHut

What good PhD good for? A question, which always linger in my mind. I am all alone in this journey. Alone because I am the only who knows deeply what I am doing. Right? Yes, my supervisor did guide me along the journey, but I am the one who encounter each milestones, sometimes I need a pitstops. And then get started again.. I have to balance my focus towards PhD and my kids, husband, parents, family, friends and people around. But as a whole, of course i am not that 'alone'. I have PhD friends who always share our ups and downs to carry out our research.


PhD is wayyyyy different compared to the experience doing degree and Masters. I took almost 4 years to finish my Masters study, especially the thesis and until now, I always think - how I wish. If only I had a good support of research environment, wider exposure on what research is all about, etc. I love my supervisor very much but there are things that I realized now, I need more than just a good supervision. I did get that precious 4 flat but it is not  that important actually. With hard work, everything is possible and I have prove it to myself. I once regret the decision I made. That I think I made a silly mistakes during Masters because I switch from coursework to full thesis in Semester 3 (for Masters to graduate-on-time we need to finish the study within 4 semesters) eventhough I have fulfill almost all compulsory subjects. Research skills need to be developed. It can be taught, but to develop, needs more. Contohnya, bila dah terbiasa guna research design kuantitatif, agak terkapai-kapai bila nak gauge into qualitative. Part nak develop research questions that can portray terus the methods going to be used.. tambah dengan analisis pula nanti. SPSS now become 'basic' semua orang kena tahu macammana nak run SPSS. Lately, SEM lah.. AMOS.. now I became Raschians pulak. When we become a researcher we need to define ourself, our research paradigm.. nak ikut classic (Classical Test Theory-CTT) ke nak ikut modern approach using IRT-item response theory. Need to justify and back-up. Always JUSTIFY why we opt for such decision.   

Learnt the lesson. I hope things will never be the same this time. Although it took me almost one and half year just to finish the proposal writing. The term 'finish' is not really appropriate but its time for me to put a stop and then prepare myself for the proposal defense. It is meant to be mend. Dah sampai tahap dah ready kot kalau orang tanya what, why, hows regarding my thesis, I dah boleh jawab. :))) 

All these while I am not just sitting in front of the lappy.. I called it 'carik ilham moment' untuk menulis. But my husband called it 'merepeklah cari ilham moment. semua kan based on fakta!'. Okey different views la kan. 


Seriously, I am doing several field work so that I have a clear views on my research focus, gather different opinion and perspectives so that I taklah syok sendiri rasa macam penting nak kaji ni padehal orang lain (the subject matter) rasa tak penting pon. Parah tu. For instance, last December I went to UiTM Shah Alam to attend dinner talk by Chef Zubir and Chef Sabri.

Seriously nervous drive pergi Shah Alam yang kaya dengan bulatan tu.. Tapi bertemankan Googlemap GPS, berjaya jugak sampai dengan selamat. Check in Hotel De Art.. yang ni pon nervous jugak sebab nilah first time duduk hotel sorang-sorang. Pesan kat husband and my parents, tolonglah doakan segalanya selamat.. All of all, the experience is valuable. In this field, I need to familiarize myself with the Chef's life, working environment, challenges, etc. Research in culinary art area is limited. It is hard for me to start with. Ok. I struggle a lot to get data and information for my thesis' Chapter 1. However, this provide me an opportunity to be among the first. That's what a PhD aim for: a contribution to the body of knowledge in certain area.  

Next field note.. I interviewed Chef Zam.. and it's worth the journey, money and time spent. He shares that he will come out with his own product named 'Dalisha'.. and I said, "Ohh.. my daughter's name is Delisha!".. He replied,

" Laaa.. u dah kawen? Umur you berapa? Mudanya dah buat PhD? "

I just smile.. Well..some of my colleague already got the Dr. title at the age of 27.. Haihh. Macam best je kan. :)

Thanks Nana sebab sudi tumpangkan aku kat rumah ko :)

Tengok Amirul membesar, it did sent shivers down to my spine. It's like an alarm to me. Remember, I gave birth to Amirul a week after I registered my PhD study.. and now he's already 1 year and 4 months.

These two kids are so adorable. They demands my attention and sememangnya penat nak melayan tapi cuba sedaya-upaya untuk berikan yang terbaik.

Dua-beradik teman tunggu mama masak kat dapur. Camnilah diorang kalau daddy belum balik lagi. Siap panjat atas meja lagi tu. Terpaksa bersilat masak cepat-cepat.

Baking with Kakak Delisha.. dah pandai request nak kuih.

Another request..ajak mama ngan daddy bawak pergi main basikal kat taman

Dah beberapa kali 'outstation' ni.. memang sedih sangat. Berteman air mata lah tido. Terasa sangat 'kehilangan' bila malam-malam sunyi tanpa breastfeeding session from both of them. 

Tapi, demi sekeping kertas itu, berkorban apa yang ada pada hari ini untuk hari esok. Inshaallah. Selalu bila rasa down, suka FB-ing facebook Dr. CT. 

Honestly, PhD mengajar I supaya lebih berdikari, berani, improve my research skills, enhance my people skills and many more. Yang penting, mendekatkan diri dengan Allah.. Wish me luck, okeiii.